Toby (bigpoppapalmer) wrote,

Just skip this...

For some reason I feel like venting a little.  Typing for strangers seems inappropriate, but it isn't an issue really.
I'm still caught up in a similar problem as before.  I would like to be friends with my ex.  My fault in the relationship ending, as I understand, was my failure to diagnose my anxiety and depression.  I let all the negativity in my life ruin what was most important to me.  I wore her down to the point where she couldn't go on anymore with me.  In the months after the break up I have grown immensely.  I have made new friends, found some new interests, and generally moved in a healthy direction.  I have tried communicating with her, not judging her, being a friend, even stepping back entirely and leaving her to herself.  We always end up getting back in touch with one another, on both sides.  She still isn't comfortable around me.  We aren't together, and hardly communicate.
I don't understand grudges.  I have never been the kind of person to never forgive.  She has said some horrible things to me; I shouldn't even consider her a friend after much of it.  At the time I felt I deserved it; looking back, I realize how desperately in need of her love I was.  I have explicitly told her I would like to be forgiven, even though I don't know if I should be faulted for my depression by somebody else.  She has refused to admit that I didn't understand myself.  I still long for the warmth I felt from her, but if she isn't meant to be the woman to supply it then I accept that.
I know she wasn't whole as a person, and neither was I.  I neglected many aspects of my life while I was with her, as did she.  We didn't enrich our personal development much, things for me were particularly stagnant.  She was scared to admit to me how much she wanted to break out of it all.  I was blind to the problems.  I wanted things to be mostly about us, for us to be all we ever needed.  I set myself up to want that, I was wrong to ever think that.  I knew it wasn't healthy at the time, but like all addictions I kept doing it.
Nobody is infallible.  I certainly loved her as much as I could fathom loving anybody.  She was number one in my life, and I still couldn't be who I should have been.  I wish I had the courage to change sooner.  
Looking on this entry now I realize how disjointed everything is in my mind, even still.  I should be able to put stuff together better after all this time.  I will never understand love...I will never understand betrayal. 
I still have so far to go.
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