Toby (bigpoppapalmer) wrote,
Toby
bigpoppapalmer

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Last Song

I didn't even bother to check this time.  How long has it been since my last post?  Will anybody read this one?  I think this will probably be my last one.
Let's just say I have been obsessing over a loss.  For six years I was working on a relationship with my girlfriend.  I loved her more than I imagined I could love anybody.  She brought emotions and feelings into my life.  I didn't even get the chance to really show her everything I am capable of.  If's been three months since the break-up, and I am still grieving.  It's like a death of a close friend for me, but I still see her ghost every so often.  I really don't feel like I know her anymore.  She has changed.  I thought I knew her, I thought I could do better for myself and help us both be happy.  She didn't communicate with me openly.  In the last three months I have found out more than I felt I knew in six years.  I always tried to learn her feelings, but she always told me she wasn't a talker.  She's a new person now.  I don't remember her as she was before, it's slipped away.  The person she has become must be a doppleganger.  I was loved before, then suddenly I was loathed.
I have been trying to communicate, be a friend, get to the bottom of things.  There is no bottom.  To her, I'm wrong.  Imagine:  You:  "What am I worst at?  The person you love:  "Relationships."  You:  "What am I best at?"  Tpyl:  "Being yourself."  And it was said with a laugh.  Can you imagine six years in a relationship and the only good things you supposedly did were buy the other person some lunches and a Nintendo DS?  Really, that's all I did evidently.  Then I tried to point out that I helped fix her truck, her car, etc...and she has the audacity to offer money to pay me back for my kindness!  How insulting!  Because now she has come into money she wants to just throw some at me to make my kindness just go away!  There are countless times I offered care, support, kindness, empathy...and I'll be remembered for food and a video game system.  What a schmuck I am, right?  That's the tip of the iceberg, the vitriol that has been heaped on me in the last three months is practically unbearable.
I had never felt so loved in my life, at least I don't remember feeling more loved.  To have all that suddenly disappear; it seems so long ago, yet it's just three months.  I have also never trusted so much.  Every aspect of my character was exposed, and I thought I could be understood.  I felt that I wasn't being judged.  I was so comfortable, and open in the relationship.  I wasn't comfortable with myself, and only now do I have a small handle on what the problem more than likely is.
Friends should be open and honest, correct?  And then friends shouldn't judge, right?  Well, when friends tell you 50% of a story willfully, and then take offense when you ask about the other 50%...call you nosy, that you're keeping tabs, that you're placing them under a microscope...why should they have ever told you anything to begin with?  Why should I ever even ask about their life?  Why expose myself to all the bitter, suspicious remarks?  Why bother to go on in the relationship?
I have been far from perfect.  What I have been though, I thought was admirable and worthy of love and consideration.  I am just exhausted.  I'm tired of having my feelings shredded.  I can't change anybody else's feelings.  She is so bitter and resentful, yet she keeps me around.  Surely she knows the pain I'm feeling.  I tell her.  She has to understand, right?  Then why force me to just be a pauper in a relationship where we used to be king and queen?  What other choice do I have?  Friends, or do I just disappear? 
I don't even know what "friends" means to her.  From my observation, "friends" to her are impersonal relationships where the other person takes zero interest in her life and just blathers on about there own life without caring about her.  Carrying out a conversation where there isn't a juvenile joke every two minutes is wrong, because life can't ever be serious...you've got to just forget about anything serious and focus on being a fool.  Finally, nobody is allowed to have a bad time.  If you're having a bad time, then she's having a bad time, and she'll blame you for that and not consider what's wrong with you...that's your problem, not her's.
Sadly, love has become a sad feeling for me.  The person I have loved does not love me.  She is uncomfortable because I still love her, I'm uncomfortable because she doesn't love me.  Worse yet, there are the flickers in her behavior that I interpret as potential cues that she might still have feelings for me...
What a long, and pointless entry.  I only did it to free my mind a little.  It's cheaper than therapy.
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